May 23, 2005
all too familiar
this place is so familiar. and equally unwelcome. i can feel it start down in the depths of my stomach, in those places that you only are aware of at the most poignant moments in life. it starts down there and slowly seeps upwards and spreads throughout my body. it sits in my throat, a constant reminder of my frailty. it wants to burst out and completely overwhelm me and i fight so so hard to keep it inside. to resist it and force it back down. i want to be stronger than it.
i am leaving home again. and i am terrified. terrified that i am leaving this wonderful haven that i have spent the last four years creating, never to find anything like it again. terrified of leaving the wonderful, caring, sensitive, engaging, intelligent, brilliant, hilarious, sharing people that make this place my home. will i ever find such beautiful people again? i find myself a victim, once again, of my yearning to give wholeheartedly of my emotional self to forge wondrous connections with these people. and now i have to leave them. or, rather, we are all leaving each other.
my thoughts haunt me. i need to escape, but am too stubborn to take the escape that is available. instead i feel my heart slowly crumbling as i anticipate each of these people leaving. the first perhaps the most surprising. a new bond that filled a void i didn't even know i had... i know these people aren't leaving my life completely, but i am painfully aware of how far away i am taking myself to fulfill my yearning for my other home. and i am also aware that i might never find people like this again. i cherish them so dearly and feel so blessed for having them in my life...
but just as i am so fully dedicated to these dear friends, so am i also fully in pain. and it will pass, i will get through this somehow, i know. but for now i mourn. and hurt. and love.
Posted by lara at May 23, 2005 09:55 PM
